Mistakes, misunderstandings... and Fate

IT was all just a huge mistake.

Or a massive misunderstanding.

Or maybe just Fate.

Whatever, Thomas Hardy could have had a field day with the raw material.

At its heart, there was certainly a lack of real understanding. All round.

What didn't I understand? That's easy - Sarah's insecurity, for one.

Maybe I fell for the outward image of the self-styled 'giggly person', the attractiveness, the sexyness, the confidence, the intelligence.

I never saw beneath that. I never saw that her sometimes obsessional pre-occupation with her outward appearance and how she looked, masked how she felt inside. About herself. The Princess Syndrome.

I never thought too deeply either about what had happened in her previous relationships. To me, that didn't matter. We were us, together. What did it matter? Unforgivably, I never reflected deeply on all the relationships that had gone before.

I never realised that Sarah was so insecure. Indeed, if I thought about it - and I never did - I would have laughed and asked myself: "what does she have to be insecure about?"

That's a lesson for me, I guess. I hope I learn that lesson and never again judge people so much by their outward appearance. By how they present, externally. If only Sarah had spent more time working on what was going on inside, rather than how she looked outside...

But "Love is blind", as the cliche has it. Hopefully, I can pull down the blindfolds.

I guess Sarah's insecurity fuelled much of what later transpired. So it goes.

But The Great Betrayal?

I do still struggle with that. Understanding eludes me. I guess because it says something about her values. Which I did think were better. I got that wrong, big-time.

I can only speculate about the motives. Revenge is the easy one, of course. But there will have been others. Whatever they were, the motives were not good.

Maybe that is the hardest thing for me to accept. This is not the woman I thought I knew. How could I have fallen in love with anyone capable of such a hideous betrayal?

And of course, that knowledge undermines every single facet and every single memory of our failed relationship.

How could you do that? still resounds in my head every day. With the emphasis on each and every word.

"I'm a strong woman", she protested, vainly.

It may be cod psychology, but this is what I think happened in her head:

She was hurt. She elevated my friendship with Jo into a massive betrayal of her. If I had been unfaithful, then it would have been a fair cop, guv. But I hadn't been unfaithful. It was all in her head. So, at some point, she sought revenge.

Then to make sense of her own feelings of betrayal, she constructed a huge edifice of delusion. To which she added....well, goodness knows what. I can only speculate. But it would have been a compelling case for the prosecution, which would have amply satisfied her parents, her sister, her friends, and ultimately, even my own employer. Who must have rubbed her hands in glee.

"He did this, he did that," it would all make sense in her own head. And, I guess, it would all have made The Great Betrayal seem justified.

Understandable. Just.

I can't help now but visualise Sarah joining the packs of dogs chasing after me - my employer, my diabetes, my depression. And there she was, with them all at the end, baying at my heels, as I went to the park and tried to hang myself. Horrible.

But let's move on.

The mistakes are fairly obvious. My 'carrying on' with Jo, as Sarah described it.

A big mistake. But perhaps not. For Sarah, just that simple, innocent conversation amounted to being unfaithful. Just me needing someone else to talk to (not her fairy-tale idyll of the two of us, alone in a house in the country with the two dogs), was being unfaithful. Unreal. The Princess Syndrome again.

Even if, and I have thought a lot about this, I had tried to re-assure her, tried to understand and tried to ease her insecurity, it wouldn't have been enough. For Sarah. There was nothing I could have done. Because for her to acknowledge her crippling insecurity, would have been to acknowledge a weakness in her. And she was the proverbial 'strong woman'.

So she constructed a castle in the air to try to explain her own feelings, with her as the Princess, shouting from the ramparts.

Was it a mistake to continue the friendship with Jo?

Perhaps, if I had not been battling for my professional career, was not depressed, was not struggling to control my diabetes. Needing help.

But are men not allowed to have good women friends, who they trust? Even ex's? Has that never happened before?

I can only conclude that whatever I did, I would never have been able to get over Sarah's deep insecurity. It would have come back again in some form or other. Sarah's issue, not mine.

Despite the mistakes and the misunderstandings, Fate also played its hand. Me hanging up the phone on her screaming. Her returning my house keys. Me not responding. Instead fighting for my job, struggling with my diabetes and my worsening mental health. Probably enough, I think, for me to be going on with.

And Sarah always running away. Being strong. Such a pity.