Woman No 4 - Mother

This is where it all began.

This is why, unlike my children, I am unable to simply shrug off disappointment in a failed relationship.

Why it hurts so fundamentally. And why I tried to end my own life.

I was the youngest of six children, born to a mother (Woman No 4) who suffered from depression all of her life.

When I was just a few months old, according to the story later told in the family, I contracted pneumonia and was in an incubator in hospital, fighting for my life.

I remember, as a little boy, later asking: "who was with me?"

The answer, as it turns out, was no-one. These were the bad old days, when parents never stayed with their children in hospital. No-one was there.

I remember, even at their early age, being so shocked and hurt to learn that my mother was not at my side in hospital. That I was left alone.

She was probably suffering from post natal depression. (The parish priest threw the tablets which she had been prescribed, on the open fire).

So from that moment on, when this story was first told and then repeated occasionally, I have felt a strong sense of abandonment. I feel that my mother never loved me. She certainly never showed any physical affection. I have only one memory of ever being cuddled.

My mother was highly intelligent and frustrated by her circumstances. With six children to look after, she wanted to get on in the world. Do better. Fulfill her aspirations. Make her way.

But she was trapped by yet another child.

So as the youngest, I was not wanted, not loved, not worthy. Abandoned. Rejected.

Cue resultant lack of self-esteem.

When my relationship with Sarah ended suddenly, those feelings all came bubbling up, slowly but surely. There was the shock, first. Then bewilderment. And then the feelings of abandonment and rejection became even more potent, because I had been ill, again, at that time - struggling with my diabetes and depression. 

Sarah abandoned me when I was sick, just as my mother had. And of course, there was no real rational explanation for it. If I had been unfaithful to Sarah, then fair enough. But no.

Little boy lost.

Then, when I tried three times to get help from the NHS with my worsening mental health, those feelings of rejection and abandonment, disappointment, loss and grief were only compounded.

So that's how and when The Crash came.

Since then, of course, I have discovered that I was actually betrayed by Sarah.

Never mind just feeling betrayed - and I guess feeling betrayed is linked to feeling abandoned and rejected - I was actually betrayed.

I had heard and seen the evidence, on the phone and on the doorstep, when her face went white and she squirmed.

I felt the betrayal. And I experienced it.

It's a wonder that I still know how to breathe, as Dylan sang. But I do. Somehow.

And, I guess, having that understanding of how I feel - and the direct line which can be traced back to my mother - helps, in a way.

It's a moot point, but maybe I was also looking for unconditional love, just as Sarah was. But that doesn't feel right, somehow. Certainly, I was looking for a woman who could love the whole me. With all my own weaknesses and insecurities. And my mistakes. But maybe that is asking too much from anyone.

Anyway, the knowledge of why I feel the way I do, still doesn't change the way that I feel.

And that's where the work must now start.

Someone's got it in for me, they're planting stories in the press
Whoever it is I wish they'd cut it out quick but when they will I can only guess
They say I shot a man named Gray and took his wife to Italy
She inherited a million bucks and when she died it came to me
I can't help it if I'm lucky.

People see me all the time and they just can't remember how to act
Their minds are filled with big ideas, images and distorted facts
Even you yesterday you had to ask me where it was at
I couldn't believe after all these years you didn't know me any better than that
Sweet lady.

Idiot wind blowing every time your move your mouth
Blowing down the backroads heading south
Idiot wind blowing every time you move your teeth
You're an idiot babe
It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe

I ran into the fortune-teller who said beware of lightning that might strike
I haven't known peace and quite for so long I can't remember what it's like
There's a lone soldier on the cross smoke pouring out of a boxcar door
You didn't know it you didn't think it could be done 

In the final end he won the wars
After losing every battle.

I woke up on the roadside daydreaming about the way things sometimes are
Visions of your chestnut mare shoot through my head and are making me see stars
You hurt the ones that I love best and cover up the truth with lies
One day you'll be in the ditch, flies buzzing around your eyes
Blood on your saddle.

Idiot wind blowing through the flowers on your tomb
Blowing through the curtains in your room
Idiot wind blowing every time you move your teeth
You're an idiot babe
It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.

It was gravity which pulled us down and destiny which broke us apart
You tamed the lion in my cage but it just wasn't enough to change my heart
Now everything's a little upside down, as a matter of fact the wheels have stopped
What's good is bad what's bad is good 

You'll find out when you reach the top
You're on the bottom. 

I noticed at the ceremony, your corrupt ways had finally made you blind
I can't remember your face anymore, your mouth has changed your eyes don't look
Into mine
The priest wore black on the seventh day and sat stone faced while the
Building burned
I waited for you on the running boards, near the cypress trees while the
Springtime turned
Slowly into autumn.

Idiot wind blowing like a circle around my skull
From the Grand Coulee Dam to Capitol
Idiot wind blowing every time you move you teeth
You're an idiot babe.
It's a wonder that you still know how to breathe.

I can't feel you anymore, I can't even touch the books you've read
Every time I crawl past your door, I been wishing I was somebody else instead
Down the highway down the tracks down the road to ecstasy
I followed you beneath the stars hounded by your memory
And all your raging glory.

I been double-crossed now for the very last time and now I'm finally free
I kissed goodbye to the howling beast on the borderline which separated you from me
You'll never know the hurt I suffered nor the pain I raise above
And I'll never know the same about you your holiness or your kind of love
And it makes me feel so sorry.

Idiot wind blowing through the buttons of our coats
Blowing through the letters that we wrote
Idiot wind blowing through the dust upon our shelves
We're idiots babe

It's a wonder we can even feed ourselves..