Sarah's deluded email

I found this - the previously mentioned Deluded Email - when I was clearing out my Gmail account. This was sent to me just over two weeks after I had been signed off work with poorly controlled diabetes, stress and depression. My observations are in italics.

On 1 Apr 2017, at 18:27, Sarah Chilton wrote:

Dearest Matthew,

I write this with a heavy and broken heart. You know how much I love you and that will never change. (Hmmmmm, that's a real laugh now).

I truly believed we had a future together and that I need no one but you. However that is not the same for you. (Ridiculous - mind-reading me again). I would not have said all this now but given the text last night I felt I needed to. (Can't remember what this text was, but think I must have sent her a text asking what was up? 

"Wouldn't have said it now" - but been thinking about it for a while? How long, exactly, I wonder?)

When I returned home last week after you being a little rude to me (No idea. But 'rude' is an odd choice of word for partners to use. "No-one has ever spoken to me like that before", being her oft-used refrain. Says it all really/. Probably means I was exasperated with the mess she made in the kitchen, or something similar. And 'no-one had ever talked to her like that before'.) on more than one occasion I made it clear that I was here for you (this (seriously, really didn't happen) as I always have been.  Our lack of intimacy (sex - Sarah needing constant and continual validation) over the last few weeks as (sic) hurt me but I thought I understood (no, you obviously didn't) where you were at. 

I have texted on three occasions and called but you have chosen for whatever reason to ignore me. (Now this is where it gets really interesting. I never received those texts. When I asked her later to see them on her phone, she wasn't able to produce them. They certainly weren't on mine. And she never rang me once during that week. This is where the self-delusion begins...or straightforward lies.)

At a time when I thought you would need my support, the one who is meant to be closest to you, you cut me out, (No, I didn't - completely deluded) I feel betrayed once more. (I don't know what this 'once more' refers to, probably having a cup of tea with Jo. Betrayed? I can tell you now what real betrayal feels like, luv!). 

I know over the last week you will have had more contact with Jo than me (We spoke once on the phone, when she rang to ask me about the doctor's appointment. Sarah didn't ring me at all that week.) and will have discussed your work situation and no doubt your Dr appointment with her whilst choosing to have no contact with me for whatever reason. (Not true - I told her all this later, too. But she continued deluding herself.)

This I find wholly unacceptable and hurtful beyond belief and if the shoe were on the other foot I know you would too. (Well, this is exactly what she did, six weeks later - chose to have no contact with me, whatsoever. But she did not understand, even though she uses the words, that this would be hurtful beyond belief and totally unacceptable for me. Says one thing, but has no concept of what her words mean. Self-centred, again. The words come easily, but the actions???? I do remember when we met after this email, that she continued to proclaim her love for me - to which my response was: "Well, you've got a funny way of showing it". She didn't seem to understand my comment - deluded again.) 

Clearly Jo gives you something I can't and you need that. (Well, she was giving me advice and support, that's true. And rang me. Which Sarah didn't, couldn't, or wouldn't give.)  

I have to accept that however painful that is and so do you. I only ever needed you and I knew that from the moment you stepped into my life almost 2 years ago. I will not share my partner with an ex lover. (Totally deluded. So, speaking to a friend about my health and work situation is not tolerated? This is sharing a partner with an ex? Insane. I ask a woman friend for help and advice when I need it? Incredible. Share in what sense? Speaking to her on the phone? Emailing her with questions? This is totally bonkers. 

(Sarah of course still kept in contact with some of her ex's. One sent her huge hanging baskets every Spring. In Liverpool one night at conference, she spent the evening meeting up with an ex-boyfriend in the same bar (we were never introduced - make of that what you will), then dancing with other men - even on a table - I couldn't dance with her because I had a broken ankle. Then she saw me chatting with Jo outside while I was having a cigar. Five minutes - just catching up. She ran off in another tantrum, leaving me to hobble after her. So, one rule for her....) 

I did notice a missed call last Saturday but you left no message so I assumed you did not really want to talk to me. (Even more interesting. I rang Sarah on the Thursday (not Saturday) to invite her for dinner the next day, but her phone went to answerphone. I didn't leave a message, because we never did that with each other. If there was a missed call from either of us, we would phone each other back - we never left messages. The missed call was good enough to make contact. I expected her to ring me back, but she did not return the call. 

So, for some reason, she has now put a barrier in the way - I must leave a message. For the first time ever. Bizarre. More self-delusion. What was going on in her mind? Seems she was building this huge edifice of betrayal in her head, with no evidence at all and no awareness or understanding of how I was feeling. Because she never contacted me. I have said this before, but it's almost like she expected to be betrayed. Jilted, etc, etc. And was getting her revenge in first. Really bizarre. Psychotic?.) 

I love you Matthew and probably always will (no longer, obviously. So that didn't last very long, did it? More empty words. Another psychopathic tendency.) and I wish you well. (Fucking hell. "I wish you well" after nearly two years, this is how you want to end it?? But I will not support and help you through this difficult time.) I hope you find a way through the situation with Angela (employer) which I know more than most will be difficult. (But I will not support and help you. Even though I started the whole mess. Significant that she doesn't mention the out of control diabetes or the depression - presumably denying them to herself. Makes it easier for her, that way.) 

I am far from perfect and can be testing, frustrating, messy and damn right hard work (Er, there's a lot more than that, dear) and I am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart  for any pain I have caused you but that was never ever my intention. (Then you went on to cause even more pain, hurt and damage to me, beyond compare. Now work that one out. ) 

I have tried my best (no you didn't) and wanted so much for it just to be 'we' and 'us' with our boys (the dogs) but sadly that was not to be. (The rural idyll - just the two of us. No one else. Modelled on her parents life, of course. But no-one else? Slightly unusual to say the least. Maybe toxic. Maybe fairy-tale. Maybe linked to her insecurity. Not having anyone else around? If not an ex who I was relying on for help, it would soon have been another tantrum over seeing my children, or something else. I'm convinced. Phew.)

Always yours (never in a million years, of course. Again, rolls easily off the tongue - and then she 'ghosts' me. incredible.)

Sarah x

(My reaction to this was one of total horror. Shock and astonishment. I was literally completely astounded. My email reply to her, which I sadly cannot now find, began: "You are fucking deluded." And I then went on to specify the delusions. She told me again: "I'm a strong woman!" when we met later. Seriously deluded. 

(But this is how she was ending a two year relationship? Maybe an email is what people do. But I was totally astonished. And puzzled by the delusions. It was as if she was trying to make the case against me. It was all my fault, obviously. Nothing to do with her, not contacting me, obviously.

(The truth is, my doctor's appointment had been awful. This was the one where I felt like driving my car across the road into the path of the traffic. I think this was on the Monday or Tuesday. I had seen her on the previous Sunday. I was already depressed and anxious. And I was upset that Sarah did not ring me about it that week. Like she didn't care. But I rang her on the Thursday...to ask her over. Anyway, she found an excuse to ignore that call. I was absolutely furious with her, but surprisingly she came to see me that Saturday night after I responded to the deluded email - and stupidly, we made up.

(I could kick myself now, for not seeing this email as a huge warning sign. I guess I was desperate not to lose her. But something was obviously dreadfully amiss. The delusions were one thing - she didn't text me, she didn't ring me, she didn't respond to my missed call. So what was all that about?

(But then, ending our relationship like this? in this way, with an email, when I needed her help and support more than ever? I did find that incredible. And this was just two weeks after she had started the whole mess, with my employer. 

(It finally ended at the end of May, of course. But it had obviously been coming. I was so stupid not to see it. Perhaps she had already found someone else, who could/would give her that continual validation. And she just didn't want to admit it. Dunno. That kind of person may be impossible to find. 

(But her reaction is just mad. And unreal. Fairy tale stuff. It just doesn't happen in the real world - not for long, anyway. As MacMillan said "Events, dear boy, events". Stuff intervenes and if there's trouble at t'mill, people reach out to those who can help? Don't they?

(But that paranoid jealousy - no room for anyone else in my life. Just 'we' and 'us'? Surely this is crazy? And the terrible insecurity. And the delusions. And this whole crazy edifice of jealousy, insane supposition and imagining, without being able to talk about it like an adult. God, and I think I was mentally ill? Crazy stuff. Just totally, frustratingly, crazy. Seriously troubled. And I should have seen it all.)